weed paranoia from 6/23/23

Its too ironic to be taken seriously. Im sitting here with my palms up facing the sky, paper scattered about my crumpled duvet. My lips pucker and warm falls down my face. Always something to cry about, huh izzie? I know I'm an emotional person, i know i need to cry at least once a week in order to keep my heart under my head's command–i think if i didn’t, my body would seize and glitch like and my brain might explode like metal in a microwave. But this is pretty fucking stupid, even for me. I feel like im at the top of the mountain god has set before me. Great. Awesome, you climbed the fucking mountain. The wind cools the rosy flush that’s held up to my cheeks. My chest is still pumping from the uphill climb, even though my body is still now. It’s an ephemeral, fluid moment. For this time, i am. Adrenaline rushes up and down like electricity across a wire. It pulls me towards the sky, my thoughts flood from out the top of my head and my essence escapes me. It roots me to the ground, pulling my body closer, my feet turn one with the dirt beneath it, my physical body is absorbed with mother. I feel so much love. It’s all around. I love so many people around me. I love maya, how easy she is to talk to, her unmatched natural ability for comedy, the honey in her voice as she sings. I love brett, i love her drive, her organization, her thirst, her ambition, how she is always ready for the next adventure, her loyalty. I love maggie, her hands that fidget with mine, her beautiful smile, her upbeat attitude, her open arms. I love nina, her quiet curiosity, her unspoken care for those around her, her shitty dance moves, the ease at which conversation comes. I love Kyle, the way even though we feel like strangers, he never fails to surprise me with hugs and words of affirmation.

I love all of these people not just for their character, but for their presence. Their bodies that keep me warm, that squish me 

It’s so frustrating because I should be livid with the view. My eyes should be towards the sky, inhaling the cool dew of untouched air around me. My heart should be lifted by the tips of trees, by the expanse of valleys, peaks, and greenery galore. Yet instead I look down. It makes me nervous to look down, but I do it anyways. Below, I see all of the twigs, dropped off of their maternal branches. I see leaves well past their prime drifting off to their inevitable end, retreating to the safety of barren ground without the effort to remain stagnant 8 feet up in doubtful air. I see my footprints, the sweat beads each muscle movement caused me, twinkling atop the white snow. I notice where I had to stop for water, I remember my rest breaks and the burn in my calves when I egged on too long without one. When I see the sky, I know the view is temporary. Although I’ve seen this incredible skyline with nature unbeknown, I will soon forget it–right? Maybe I won’t forget it (pictures always help i guess), but I cannot remain here. I cannot stay in this moment because I need to survive. I will eventually run out of things to supply myself with–to live off–and will probably starve or freeze to death. I have to hike back down. Lastly, I look upon myself. I examine not my emotion–the thrill of the climb–but my bag. The clothes on my skin to the water in my bottle; what if I dropped them? I love my sweatshirt just as much as my notebook, my dirty vans turned brown from years of farmwork, the carabiner clipped “just in case,” the oink and white string tangled around the mouth of my water bottle. These items represent me, create me, in a sense they are me. How could I bear to lose one? Then again, there is also the looming thought of losing myself. Not via one of these items, as would hurt just the same, but the thought of stepping off the mountain (falling falling falling). Yikes. Thats fucke d up i dont actually want to kill myself. But im still scared. Scared of losing my items, scared of losing the view. I can’t bear to lose a view that’s beauty brings such tears to my eyes. Maybe that’s also part of what makes it so sacred. It’s ephemeral. It must end. Either way, whether it enhances or curses my experience at the top of the hill, the threat of imminent end looms. I know the finale is coming, i know i will join the twigs, dropped to the ground too soon. 

I love so much. But what does that mean when that i love must leave? Maya going to camp scares me, so how am i supposed to go to college across the country from the person ive spent 4 days a week with every week for the past 7 years? Fuck.

I aloready have to process leaving the friends who i love so so so so so much. I love them SO much. So now. How can i be developing more feelings? I have two months. fuck.